The morning after the night before

Now i try not to have regrets but admittedly, when you adore alcohol as much as i do, you are bound to hav a few. Just a few.

Nevertheless i can usually see a mortifying incident in an entertaining light as often the most embarrassing stories turn out to be the best. And im a sucka for a good story even at the cost of my self respect. Sadly James hadnt even supplied me with that. I didnt even have a good story to justify having to endure James' love-sick, post-coital antics. I was understandably put out and to make matters worse, Dutchy was walking around giving himself literal and figurative pats on the back believing his master-mind, match-making skills had been the reason the depraved act had occured. I really wanted to wipe the smug look of his face and tell him that getting me into bed these days was not exactly a task of monumental proportions.

James' shortness immediatly became a MASSIVE issue and i went to great lengths to ensure we were never standing next to each other in order to possibly delude myself about his unfortunate vital satistics. I was not about to do a Katie Holmes/Tom Cruise. That really is not my style.

Even worse was how comfortable he suddenly became in front of me. I think he thought we had bonded or something. Lord knows what gave him that impression. He now felt it necessary to inform me everytime he decided to go for a wank, which i normally dont mind from my guy friends or even 'lovers', but James even reminding me he had a penis had me wanting to sew up my vagina and move to a convent. I was really mad at my little badger and she was equally mad at me.

Worse still was his suden desire to talk about his 'number twos' not directly to, but around me which is just as bad. Now i knoew blokes discuss this type of thing and my guy friends back home make no effort to hide this topic from my delicate ears but me and James (as far as he was aware) were still in the early stages of courtship. WHAT WAS THIS GUY ON?

DO the Scotts not understand that the morning after the night before is a hugely delicate situation and under no circumstances must 'wanking' or 'number twos' be mentioned. I mean it, even if you are about to come in your pants/shit yourself you do not mention either of these two topics. They are strictly taboo. WHat would you do if the girl you had just bumpd uglies with came downstairs and stated 'shit i've run out of tampons and im literally GUSHING right now.' Exactly. You see my point. I didnt think this would need explaining but i suspect James (having confessed he had been at a strict all boys boarding school all his life) had not socially evolved and i certianly did not have time to help him grow up.

Sadly things were going to get worse before they got better.